Thankful for Trials

In the light of my cousin's loss, I've been contemplating my own trials. Mainly, my pregnancy losses.

I admit, going through my first loss I was not a nice person. Well, not really a nice person, I was very resentful toward everything though. I had a hard time seeing pregnant women. I became obsessed with trying to conceive and ended up ignoring many of my family responsibilities. Thankfully, I was wise enough to remember what my grieving process was like. I figured out my inattentiveness was normal as was my anger toward my Heavenly Father and life in general. I was also blessed to conceive my sweet baby boy within 6 months of my loss.

I'm not sure I ever thought I would be thankful for the loss of my pregnancy. Then April 11th hit last year. That was the day one of my best friend's husband died in a freak motorcycle accident. Obviously her loss was much more intense than my own, but I had learned that grieving is grieving, and there are certain steps that everyone goes through. Knowing this, I was much more conscious of my actions and words to my dear friend. I am thankful of the compassion I gained in going through my own loss. However, it was not enough. I found myself not bringing her husband up during conversation thinking it would be less painful as she talked to me if we didn't talk about him.

And then, 6 months later, I had my second miscarriage. I was scared of the feelings I had experienced the last time. I didn't want to go back to that dark place. I wanted to be happy and normal despite my trials. I also wanted to talk about my baby. You see, even though my miscarriages were early and at least the first one was shown to have no fetal material at all, they were still very real babies to me. They have names, and I had my dreams. And then it hit me. I HATED that no one would talk about my baby. No one would bring up that it had was the anniversary of my loss. Like if they didn't talk about it, it would be less painful to me. Then it dawned on me. I was doing the same thing to my precious friend. I learned that there is no reason to avoid talking about a person's loved one. It's not a revelation to them that they have had a loss. It's not like you are going to remind them of anything. They NEVER forget. It's always on their mind.

I like to think my experiences have made me a more compassionate person. I hope I can remember these lessons all through my life. I know I still fail a lot. I'm not as compassionate to some as I am to others. I'm even likely to get a bit arrogant in my "knowledge" and completely miss helping others. However, I'm still trying and I am a bit more aware of what people may be going through. Yes, I can even say I am thankful for my trials because of the lessons they have taught me.

Sad News

My cousin gave birth to a beautiful, tiny baby boy last week. He was born way too early. Sometimes it seemed like he just might pull through. The things his mommy posted, that he was such a fighter and that they were going to get through this, made me hope that he really would survive. Well, he didn't :( He died yesterday, I think. Anyway, I feel like I just want to say anything, but don't have anything helpful to say. I just wish we wouldn't have to experience so much heart-ache in this life. I guess without it, we wouldn't know how to cherish each other.

I'm sorry this is so jumbled. I just want to send out the reminder to hold your little ones. Life can be so unexpected sometimes.

My baby is two!

Wow! Where have the last two years gone? Buddy turns two today. Seriously? It seems like we just brought him home yesterday :( Suddenly he's a two-year-old? This can't be happening to me!

Buddy was born on Monday afternoon after only 3 hours of labor. I had to be started due to my high blood pressure and my going crazy after only 2 weeks of bed-rest. I say only because I know there are incredible ladies out there who have been on bed-rest MUCH longer than 2 weeks. Let me just say, I don't know how you did/do it!

Anyway, Buddy is my second baby, but the first one that got to come home with me when I was released from the hospital. He was 6 pounds 11 ounces and beautiful. He still looks just like his daddy.

Buddy shows me how he is growing up every day. He is adding so many signs to his signing repertoire. Today he asked for "help" to open the door. Yesterday, I was "silly" mommy.

Happy birthday my baby boy!!!

update coming...

I've been lousy at updating lately. I'm still here. We're fighting the sickies here with a really annoying, but rather mild cold. I'll update when everyone's feeling a bit better :)