Great, Boring appointment today :)

Everything is looking good :) I was a little worried that this appointment would show high blood pressure and I'd be put on bed rest. That wasn't the case. HOORAY! My mom, sister, and I are going out this weekend and I was so worried I'd miss it.

Anyway, baby girl is measuring right on and her heart tones are good. She is moving almost constantly and I'm growing bigger every day. Sometimes it feels like she's going to come right out of my belly button! How can I possibly get any bigger? I honestly feel like there is no room left! I know every pregnant woman gets to this point. I guess I figured I'd get there a little later.

So, this weekend I'm also test driving a 2007 Kia Rondo. It has seats for 7, but is smaller than a van. It's also quite a bit cheaper. It will be the newest car we've ever gotten and only has 38,000 miles on it. We are so in love with this car, and we haven't even really seen it yet! I guess that's what we get for dreaming ;)

Christmas was wonderful. It was so nice to spend it with our families. We are so blessed.

Happy Holidays!

Oops, a little behind!

So, I've kinda forgot about my blog. It's not the only thing I've forgotten lately. This pregnancy brain has really got me going!

Anyway, for a quick medical update, our baby girl is doing great! She is always measuring right on. I feel her move almost constantly. She's about 5 pounds now. Can you believe it? I can't! If she comes when Sis made her appearance, that's in two weeks. If we can hold out for when Buddy came, that's four weeks. We would rather she didn't come too early. We went through two weeks with Sis in the NICU and I'd like to avoid that if at all possible.

Actually, it probably is possible. My blood pressure has been great throughout this pregnancy. I may have a slight case of white coat high blood pressure because my last one was a bit high. However, I had taken it the night before in the Shopko pharmacy and it was very normal.

In other news, we are way excited for Christmas around here. Buddy keeps asking if it's Christmas day yet. It must be so hard to be three and not really grasp the concept of time. Sis is able to use a calendar to count down with, so she is content.

We are also looking for a bigger car to fit our growing family. We've been hunting online mostly. We really should get out of the house and into dealerships in order to find what we want. We'll be able to do that soon. Likely January because I have no desire to pay registration every December. :)

That's a lotta love

I love coming on here Saturdays and seeing a new little pic of what my baby may look like now. I've been feeling her move several times a day now. It's such a sweet experience. Have I ever mentioned that I love the 2nd trimester?

Feeling so blessed

I can not believe the turn this year has taken. It started out so difficult in February with my miscarriage and then thinking this one would miscarry as well in June. I've been obsessed with having a baby for two years now. I feel so blessed that I don't worry about getting pregnant anymore. It's been very stressful.

Yesterday we went to the dr. for an appointment as well as our ultrasound. We decided to take Sis with us because we figured she could handle sitting quietly while watching. She did fantastic! Also, I think having her there really motivated the technician to find out the sex of our baby because she kept talking about how happy she would be to have a sister.

Well, Sis got her wish! We are having a baby girl. She is perfect as far as we can see and she's measuring right on for my due date. Her name will likely be Rosalie Joy because she has already filled our lives with so much joy. The pictures we got of her are so precious. She is so loved already.

I can't wait to meet her!

not much going on...YAY!

After going through such a CRAZY June, I'm happy to report that life is pretty boring at the moment. Sis is getting very excited to go to school next week. What is she most looking forward to? Eating lunch at school. LOL! Even trying new food. I read her the menu for September and she said she was fine with trying everything. I guess it's time for me to let go and let her decide what she'll eat for lunch. A couple of days being really hungry after not eating much may cure her of all sorts of pickyness ;)

Buddy is growing up so quickly. Today while he was chattering at me (you know how 3 year-olds are) I noticed that I could understand nearly everything he said very clearly. In fact, the times I don't understand him are because he's using either a made-up word or the wrong word and I haven't caught on yet.

Both kids have grown significantly in the last year. Sis has grown 2 inches since October and Buddy an inch since May. I am so blessed to have these children as mine to raise.

Chip and I have gone to marriage counseling. Ok, not what you think! It's a study at the local university and we decided it would be an easy $20 :) So, we each had to fill out a survey on our relationship. Not that it will surprise anyone here, but the girl in charge of our "case" was highly impressed that we work so well together. It was a little difficult to set goals for us to work on as we didn't have any weaknesses the survey is meant to uncover so they can be fixed. I am in no way saying we have the perfect relationship. I guess I'm saying we've decided what is important in our married life and have stuck to it. We have similar values and goals and that helps us get to where we want to be.

I am so blessed to be married to Chip. I really don't think I'm very easy to live with, but he insists he wouldn't have me any other way. What a guy! Especially to say that after the last three months I've put him through (aka. 1st trimester). He is an amazing husband and father. I don't know how I got him, but I'm so glad I did!

My Last Day

Today is my last day in the first trimester! I cannot believe I'm here. I've really begun to wonder if I can handle three kids. My poor children are suffering through my pregnancy almost as much as I am! I cannot believe how little patience I have when I don't feel well. I'm really looking forward to the second trimester. I hope it treats me well. I need a break :)

In other news, I'm going to my 10 year high school reunion in the next couple of weeks. How can I be that old? LOL! I am so looking forward to meeting up with old friends. I can't deny that it's going to be nice to be in maternity clothes and actually looking pregnant instead of just fat.

Life is good!

Looking good!

So, I went to my dr. today and everything looks great. We got to hear the heartbeat and it was good and strong. I don't get sick nearly as often and I've actually gained a little bit of weight during this 1st trimester. I'm not exactly thrilled about that since I usually lose 10-15 pounds and then gain it back plus just a little bit by the delivery. I'm really going to have to watch it to make sure I don't gain too much this time.

We're having a baby!!!

Need to update...

I really need to update, but I don't have much to say yet. I go in for another appointment tomorrow as a normal prenatal visit. I hope it stays normal! I have no reason to believe that anything is wrong, but I'm still nervous. When you've been on this road so many times, it's hard to just let go and enjoy the ride.

Some of you wanted to know why I fainted a couple of weeks ago. My dr said my irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) has been acting up and put me on stool softeners. Aren't you all glad you know that about me? LOL! So, I'm fine and the baby should be.

Keeping my fingers crossed!

Dreams really do come true

I cannot begin to describe the amount of shock I experienced this afternoon. I can tell you events and even how my heart sped up at moments, but not the shock.

We had a dr appointment at 9:15 this morning. I actually hoped that we'd see something on the screen. I wanted to see a baby and a flicker. Mostly, I wanted to show the dr and nurse that they were wrong. Talk about competitive!

*skip if you're squeamish about womanly stuff* So, during the u/s, my dr could not find my uterus. He actually did a quick exam to find out where it was so he could angle the wand correctly. Well, we STILL couldn't see inside the uterus very well. He thought maybe he could see the gestational sack and maybe a yolk sack, but nothing besides that. Not wanting to do the D&C if there was a risk there was a healthy baby there, he sent me to the hospital for a second opinion.

So, at 1:00 we went to the hospital. The technicians there were so nice. They told me as soon as they saw the baby and they showed me the heartbeat. I was floored! There was a heartbeat!!! That means there is a BABY and it's ALIVE!!! I was even too shocked to cry (although I don't think Chip was. Saw him adjusting his glasses a bit too often).

I can never again question the presence of miracles in my life. The unthinkable, as far as this pregnancy is concerned, has happened. Nothing was looking good, and yet, God granted me the miracle of seeing my little one doing well. What a testimony builder! Miracles happen, prayers ARE answered, and dreams really do come true.

Feelings

I admit, my feelings have me down right scared. I don't want to say them aloud and be found out that I feel this way. I realize this is just grief, but it's true. This m/c has effected me negatively so much more than my last one. I think I'm crying a lot more, I can't stand to be around people (church was torture), and I have thoughts come to my head questioning things I've always believed to be true.

Case in point. During church today, we had a wonderful newly married young man come and speak to the primary about the Holy Ghost. He told a cute little story about a toy that he loved so much and losing a piece of that toy, saying a prayer, and the Spirit guiding him to find that piece. Want to know what was going through my mind? Apparently God doesn't answer my prayers or any on my behalf. Also, that God cares more about toys than broken hearts.

Silly, right? I know there have been times in my life where I've felt the Spirit, but lately I haven't.

Like I said, grief is the cause, and I think I'll feel better in a few months. I'd say hope, but I don't hope anymore right now...

PS: My numbers didn't double. They went up, but not nearly enough. I go in Tuesday and probably have another u/s just to be sure, then off to surgery. Oh, AND because of surgery, I won't be running in July. Things just keep snowballing.

OY!!!

Sorry I didn't update sooner. I don't think any of you who read this don't also have facebook, but just in case I'll let you know how things went.

They basically didn't.

I had the u/s and nothing was there that should have been there. My dr said it's possible I'm two weeks behind where I think I am. If you know anything about how anal infertile women are about their numbers, you know this is not the case. I know the moment I ovulated. I'm not wrong.

Just in case, they took my blood and then they'll take it again on Friday and if the number doubles (which it won't) it's a good sign. Maybe... Or, my body hasn't gotten the message that it screwed up again. One or the other.

I go back in on Tuesday to discuss what to do and to be sure of the diagnosis.

Hope is overrated.

Being Prepared

I'm full of anxiety today and would love to just go to bed to make tomorrow come faster. It's my dr. appointment tomorrow and we will (if I have my way) be having an ultra sound to see how things are going.

Instead of being excited about going and seeing my baby, I'm preparing myself to not see anything. We go in, and there might be a blob on the screen, but there won't be a flicker. I'm even thinking of what I'll eat! I'm going to go and get a roll of Pillsbury refrigerated cookie dough and eat as much as I can stomach. I'll probably pop some popcorn. Lots of chocolate...you get the idea.

Also, if things don't look good tomorrow, I'll be having surgery the next week. So, now I have to move my Tuesday lessons or cancel them because I won't be recovered enough to teach.

It would be so nice to be ignorant of all these things and just be excited that another baby is on its way. Things don't work that way anymore :(

HOPEFULLY, there will be GOOD news tomorrow. I'll be sure to post whatever is going on. Thank you for your continued thoughts and prayers.

I take it back!

I love my body! Well, at least I love the fact that I FINALLY got a + test this morning. EDD Feb 4th :) Please pray for us. We ache so much for a baby in our home.

3 months

3 months ago Sunday, I had the d&c that took my third angel out of my body. I can't believe it's been that long, but it also feels like an eternity. I can proudly say I have handled this one much better than my first one, even though I still feel a bit disconnected and out of control. I know that will get better with time. Having a goal with my running has really helped me keep my mind off of babies for some of the day. It's a nice change.

I feel the need to memorialize my babies somehow. I know that others probably don't think of them, but I do, and I'd like something tangible for them. I found this ring that I would like to put their names on. I named my first miscarriage Angel (probably hoping it would be my only) my second Summer, and this past one I am naming Esther. I would like to put all three names on the first ring on that page.

Also, my body is being crazy. I know I should be thankful for my body, and I am in most ways. I'm totally frustrated with it in the baby making department. According to my chart I'm expecting a positive pregnancy test, but it's just not happening. Sometimes, I feel like this is all a big practical joke. I'm so tired of getting my hopes up just to have them dashed again and again.

In running news, I survived W3D1 yesterday. I am so proud of myself for keeping this up! I plan on running a race on July 10th, but only to finish it and run a HUGE chunk of it (if not all). In September I'll run another for time. I feel so great after I run. It's just what I needed.

It's a crazy life!

So, I survived week one as well as the first day of week two. I wasn't sure I would! I feel empowered! I can do this :) If this is the only thing I can control in my life, I will do it :)

Day 2

Another day down! I remembered that I'm way too busy tonight to go running, but I had time this morning. :) I went at about 7 all by myself. It was nice. Harder than Saturday when I had a buddy, but it still was good. I'm looking forward to Wednesday!!!

I did it!

One day down, 26 to go ;) That's ok. I feel GREAT!!! I was able to run every time I was supposed to. I even sprinted the last 20 seconds. I honestly cannot wait until Monday to do it all over again :D

So, if anyone wants to join me Monday at 8:10pm, comment here :) Also, "Skipper", I don't have your phone number anymore, so will you email it to me?

New Plan ;)

Ok, so I have to change my plan slightly. Chip has scouts on Tuesday nights. Has for quite some time. Not sure how I forgot that one. OOPS!!!

So, I'm now running Saturdays, Mondays, and Wednesdays with occasional Fridays. Also, I've had quite a few friends offer to join me. HOORAY!!! I think we could all do it together, if you want to :)

So, leave me a comment if you want to be a part of this group and make sure to include your email address and phone number ('cause I just might not have it any more!) and I promise I will not post any comments with personal info.

I love you guys!

TIRED!

Ok, here goes another somewhat whiny post. However, it gets good at the end (which may not be so far away!).

I'm TIRED of having my life on hold! There, I said it. I feel like I've put a hold on my life for the nearly two years we've been trying for another baby. I've stopped exercising, I say "I shouldn't eat this" and then do anyway, my house is a disaster, I feel like I neglect my kids, and I don't feel attractive (even though my hubby says I am). I feel fat and lazy. I use my miscarriage as an excuse. I'm ENTITLED to eat these cookies, I've lost a baby recently. I'm ENTITLED to lay in bed all morning because I miscarried. This has got to stop!!!

So, here is my new goal. Couch to 5K in 10 weeks. I downloaded a program and there are podcasts to help. All I need is someone to make sure I get out there and DO IT! So, any of my readers want to join me? We could meet somewhere in the middle and do it together. I need someone who will do this program with me, not try to deviate. We can do this together! It would probably be best to do it in the evening after my hubby gets home or *shudder* early in the morning before he leaves. I don't want to push a stroller, KWIM? It would be on Tuesdays, Thursdays, Saturdays, and every other Monday starting week 5. Here is another thought. Anyone willing to watch my kids 3-4 nights a week and Chip and I could do it together? I'm SURE I will not do it on my own, but I'm also sure I can do it with someone :)

I start Tuesday!

Spiritual things

I have been struggling lately with feeling spiritual. This happened before with my first miscarriage, although it was a lot harder that time. This time, I'm just trying to not fall into the same abyss. So, a couple of weeks ago, I figured going to the temple would be a great way to feel better. I honestly thought if I could just feel the spirit a little, I could start to heal faster.

Well, I was wrong. I was entirely too emotional to feel much of anything spiritual during the session. I went by myself so I could just concentrate on what I felt I needed. Also, I wanted to stay in the Celestial room as long as it took to feel better. It didn't happen. I got kicked out of the Celestial room because it was time for the temple to close. I totally understand that these lovely people had been there all day, and shouldn't have to stay just because of me. I get that. I left the room sobbing.

So, then conference was this weekend. For some reason, I didn't think that Grief+Conference+PMS would equal a horrible conference experience. A bunch of my facebook friends kept saying how wonderful conference was on Saturday, and I just had to shake my head. Apparently they didn't hear what I heard. I heard that I should get over myself. I am failing as a parent. I'm failing life in general.

Then came Sunday morning. I was prepared for more negative messages. And then Elder Donald L. Hallstrom got up and spoke. He talked of losing babies. Of losing loved ones. In my heart, I felt more understood, validated in my grief. And then he mentioned what would be a good next step for me to take. I need to listen to it again and get going. I was motivated by his talk and filled with hope.

I am so thankful that Heavenly Father answered my pleadings, even though it was much later than I had hoped for. I know in my head that it's not about my time, it's about His time. It's hard for my heart to accept that right now, but what else can I do?

I still have good times :)

I've been thinking that this blog is getting a bit depressing. I know I'll be posting more tearjerkers, but this morning I wanted to write a funny post.

My mom keeps a comb in her church bag for my kids to play with during Sacrament Meeting to keep them quiet. Well, it's mostly for my two-year old, Buddy. So, yesterday Buddy decided that daddy needed his hair done. After two or three swipes with the comb he looks up and says-to daddy- "Now you're a beautiful princess!"

Yes, we were cracking up as quietly as possible. Not sure what was said during that time because I thought I would die from laughter. Totally unexpected :)

Yesterday was also a day of growing up. Sissa lost her 3rd tooth, one on the top. It was very funny. I told her that her tooth looked funny and she went to my parents' bathroom to check if it was bleeding. She comes out and says "it's coming! I just felt a pop!" and it was bleeding like crazy. Of course my dad offers to help but she says she can do it. After three brave tugs, it came out! She was so proud of herself. I got the biggest kick out of her new lisp! I'm sure her speech will correct itself, but for now, I'll just smile at the cuteness.

See, I'm not an emotional wreck ALL the time ;)

Follow-up appointment

This morning I had my follow-up with my dr after surgery. It was supposed to be 2 weeks after surgery, but my dr is headed up to Alaska next week to be a dr at a clinic there. Cool, eh?

The pathology report came back. There was no fetal tissue. That means another blighted ovum. To my ears, that says I wasn't REALLY pregnant and that I shouldn't be so upset. It's not like my baby died, right?

I know no one is saying this to me. I just feel like not only has my pregnancy been stripped from me, now there wasn't even a baby. I might as well have not gotten pregnant in the first place.

Why did I get pregnant in the first place? Seriously? If it was just going to be taken away and a spirit didn't even get a body out of it? I've already had one of these!!! Statistically speaking, I shouldn't be here. Who has two blighted ovums? Who has such bad luck? Apparently, we do.

The first time I went through this, I actually considered myself lucky. I told myself, "at least a baby didn't die". I don't feel that way this time. I feel cheated.

Also, please don't tell me to just get over it or not think about it. People close to me have said this. It's too soon to get over it! In fact, I'll NEVER get over it. I still think of my other two miscarriages EVERY.DAY. It doesn't help! It HURTS! It tells me that you don't care about my baby. It tells me that you have gotten over it yourself and will never think of it again.

Lucky you.

Thoughts

First of all, I'll update everyone on my status. I did make it to Tuesday and was able to have the surgery. SSSSSOOOOOOOOO much better than going on my own. IF I have to do it again, that will be the way to go. The only down side I'm seeing right now is I have no idea when my body will get back to normal. I wouldn't know that the other way anyway, so I guess it's all good.

This miscarriage has really thrown me for a loop mentally. I'm still not too emotional about everything. I did just about break down today when talking with a friend, but made it through with a little effort. It's the questions that get to me.

Can I do this again? I am in control at this very moment as to whether I have another miscarriage ever again or not. I don't have to get pregnant again. I can be very happy with my two sweet babies that I have.

If I do get pregnant again, how am I going to trust any instincts at all? You see, I felt really good about this pregnancy. Of course I was kinda quiet about everything because you're supposed to be, but I felt like it would work out. On our way into the ultra sound, Chip assured me he also felt good and things would be ok. Well, we were both wrong. This is how a survived my pregnancy with Buddy. How in the world can I make it through another one without being a basket case?

I got pregnant with Sissa after 5 months of trying and Buddy 5 months after my first miscarriage. Am I ever going to be comfortable if I get pregnant again before or after 5 months of trying? It hasn't worked 3 times. It took us 11 months to get pregnant before my first miscarriage, 2 before the second, and 16 (not counting the 2 previously mentioned) before this one. AND what if I do get pregnant in 5 months and then miscarry?

Obviously, I have no answers. At this very moment, I'm leaning toward the being happy with the two I have. Life really would be easier with only two, right? Cheaper too? I really could be happy with two, if I knew that's where we should stop. Maybe Heavenly Father should just tell me that it's futile and be thankful for my blessings. I can do that. I just want to KNOW!

Nevermind

I actually thought we were safe. I mean we had already had our miscarriage between babies. Also, I made it 3 weeks longer this time than last. I have had no bleeding and felt pretty crummy, even though not sick for very many days. I felt awful on Monday. I just about threw up during sis's doctors appointment. Tuesday, I suddenly felt fine. I also felt fine Wednesday. I was a little nervous about that, but figured it was normal to go off and on sick at only 8 weeks pregnant.

Well, as most of you know, I had an ultra sound on Wednesday. I insisted on having one because of my previous miscarriage experiences. My first miscarriage, we didn't know until I was 11 weeks along, but the sack only measured 7. I am NEVER going to go through that again. Anyway, we figured we'd see at least one heart beat, and maybe even multiples as I had been on clomid. See, I have an awful time GETTING pregnant. We've been trying for this pregnancy for 18 long months. Yes, I said 18. When I finally took the clmoid, it worked the first month. We have been so excited.

The technician found the baby right away, but there was no flicker. She told us not to panic yet, and did some more poking around. It probably only took a minute but it felt like forever before she said how sorry she was and there was no heart beat. No heart beat...I felt like I'd been hit in the gut. Here we were, so sure there would be AT LEAST one, and now there was none. The baby measures right on, which means that, if the heart ever started beating, it had only recently stopped.

We are devastated. I do feel blessed that I've been through this before and know what to expect...although it stinks. My dr would like me to go on my own, but I don't want to. This baby is bigger than my first miscarriage, and I was in so much pain with that one. I don't know why they let woman miscarry at home. I needed an epidural. If I make it until Tuesday, I can have a D&C to remove it. They put you to sleep for that one. Very little pain and bleeding. Although that seems forever away, I hope that is the option I get to choose.

Pray for me. This is a dark and lonely place that I know all too well.

On the up side. I have had so many letters of encouragement and love. I've also had dear family and friends take care of me through gifts and food. I don't know what I would do without all you wonderful people in my life.

SSSSHHHHH!!!!

There's a surprise on my blog. Leave me a comment when you find it ;)

Is it Friday yet?

I have had the weirdest feeling tonight! I tried to explain to Chip like this:

"It's already Thursday, but it's not Friday yet?"

How can I feel like the week has flown and drug all at once? Well, I'm grateful that at least it's Thursday and not Tuesday! One more day to the weekend and a break from every day life...I think ;) Well, as a mommy, I don't get too much of a break, but at least Chip is home and the kids would much rather hang out with him than mommy. That is completely ok with me! I would rather hang out with him than me too!

My goals are still going strong. I'm exercising more than I was at the beginning of the year, so that is good. I've also kept up on reading my scriptures. YAY!!! Now, if I could remember to do my scriptures in the morning, I'll bet it would help my days go smoother. One thing at a time, I guess!

Going Strong!

I want to thank my dear friends that left comments for me already :) I HEART you all ;)

I've been doing well so far. Haven't eaten out at all this year. That makes nearly a whole week, you know! I've also been good about exercising again. Although, having the wii fit novelty is still helping there. I know I can keep it up though because Chip is committed to keep me committed. LOL!

I've also kept up on my scripture reading. I decided to start in 2nd Nephi while I'm motivated so I can get through the Isiah chapters. Then I'll move on to Alma because it's the longest. After that, finishing should be a breeze!!!

Please keep checking on me. It helps!!!

New year=changes!

Ok, so I've taken quite a break from my blog. Just so you all know, I did finish all five seasons of Lost and can't wait until February 2nd!!!

That aside, I think it's time for me to make some new year's resolutions. I really want people to ask me how I'm doing on these. I want to be responsible for reporting to someone, kwim? So, first, I'm going to be healthier. We've had many conversations with sis about how exercise and eating right is about making us healthy, not skinny. I've been a bit concerned that she even knows the word "skinny" let alone that she thinks about it. So, in order to be healthier, I'm going to eat at home. No more quick runs to McDonald's or Wendy's because I don't feel like making lunch for the kids. Not only will we eat healthier, but we'll save a lot of money! I will not limit myself to NEVER eating out, but only on dates with Chip or girls nights.

I've also come to the conclusion that having too many goals may as well be having NO goals for me. So, I am making two goals for at least the first part of the year. My second goal is to read/listen to scriptures every day. I don't know why this one is so hard for me. I love to read, and I know I feel the spirit when I read my scriptures. I need to buckle down and DO it!

So, here is the goal for all of my readers (if I still have any). I want you all to post a comment to my blog every week or two asking me how my goals are going. At least, I would like it if you would...pretty please :)