Thoughts

First of all, I'll update everyone on my status. I did make it to Tuesday and was able to have the surgery. SSSSSOOOOOOOOO much better than going on my own. IF I have to do it again, that will be the way to go. The only down side I'm seeing right now is I have no idea when my body will get back to normal. I wouldn't know that the other way anyway, so I guess it's all good.

This miscarriage has really thrown me for a loop mentally. I'm still not too emotional about everything. I did just about break down today when talking with a friend, but made it through with a little effort. It's the questions that get to me.

Can I do this again? I am in control at this very moment as to whether I have another miscarriage ever again or not. I don't have to get pregnant again. I can be very happy with my two sweet babies that I have.

If I do get pregnant again, how am I going to trust any instincts at all? You see, I felt really good about this pregnancy. Of course I was kinda quiet about everything because you're supposed to be, but I felt like it would work out. On our way into the ultra sound, Chip assured me he also felt good and things would be ok. Well, we were both wrong. This is how a survived my pregnancy with Buddy. How in the world can I make it through another one without being a basket case?

I got pregnant with Sissa after 5 months of trying and Buddy 5 months after my first miscarriage. Am I ever going to be comfortable if I get pregnant again before or after 5 months of trying? It hasn't worked 3 times. It took us 11 months to get pregnant before my first miscarriage, 2 before the second, and 16 (not counting the 2 previously mentioned) before this one. AND what if I do get pregnant in 5 months and then miscarry?

Obviously, I have no answers. At this very moment, I'm leaning toward the being happy with the two I have. Life really would be easier with only two, right? Cheaper too? I really could be happy with two, if I knew that's where we should stop. Maybe Heavenly Father should just tell me that it's futile and be thankful for my blessings. I can do that. I just want to KNOW!