This morning I had my follow-up with my dr after surgery. It was supposed to be 2 weeks after surgery, but my dr is headed up to Alaska next week to be a dr at a clinic there. Cool, eh?
The pathology report came back. There was no fetal tissue. That means another blighted ovum. To my ears, that says I wasn't REALLY pregnant and that I shouldn't be so upset. It's not like my baby died, right?
I know no one is saying this to me. I just feel like not only has my pregnancy been stripped from me, now there wasn't even a baby. I might as well have not gotten pregnant in the first place.
Why did I get pregnant in the first place? Seriously? If it was just going to be taken away and a spirit didn't even get a body out of it? I've already had one of these!!! Statistically speaking, I shouldn't be here. Who has two blighted ovums? Who has such bad luck? Apparently, we do.
The first time I went through this, I actually considered myself lucky. I told myself, "at least a baby didn't die". I don't feel that way this time. I feel cheated.
Also, please don't tell me to just get over it or not think about it. People close to me have said this. It's too soon to get over it! In fact, I'll NEVER get over it. I still think of my other two miscarriages EVERY.DAY. It doesn't help! It HURTS! It tells me that you don't care about my baby. It tells me that you have gotten over it yourself and will never think of it again.
Lucky you.
5 comments:
Love you Em!!! (((((HUGS))))
I was on the phone w/ my sister Steph, and she told me about your post. I am very opinionated & headstrong & I hope that I am not offending you in any way w/ my comments.
You have EVERY right to feel the way you do. You and you husband had hopes, dreams & aspirations for this little one that wasn't. It IS like going through a miscarriage. Don't belittle yourself for feeling like this. I am so sorry that this is happening to you. I miscarried once & it was one of the most horrible days of my life.
Is your dr checking into why you've had two of these? This is a totally NOT normal situation. You mentioned that your dr is leaving. Find someone who will check this out. Please. I'm so sad for you & hope you know that even in bloggy land people people care. And mostly people don't understand what to say or do. You might have to help them understand how painful this is. I know, we should all realize but some people just don't get it. Sorry to have hijacked this but...
Susan, I appreciate your comments. I also have felt the passion you feel as to letting everyone know how miscarriage effects women. Thank you for that passion. We need more of it :)
My dr. is only leaving for a couple of weeks, but he said we could do what I wanted to after I've had a normal period. I'm convinced the reason I've had these blighted ovums is because some of my eggs are bad due to PCOS. It's highly likely. Anyway, now that I've had 3 total miscarriages, they are willing to do some tests. We'll have to see what happens in the next couple of months :)
Thank you again for your comment! Please feel free to keep reading and commenting.
I think about you and your trials all the time! I hope you don't mind that I talked to my sister about you, I was just so upset to hear that you've had to deal with such horrible callousness! I've cried for you many times lately. My heart aches for you having to endure this.
I can't help but think about our talks with Natalie before she was blessed with her son. I remember her telling us about the terrible, unthinking things people would say to her.
I care about you and I know you'll find your way through this!
Oh man, I totally know what you mean! I was acting like a crazy person the other day and this person (Who is close to me) was getting all personally offended by it. I told them I was sorry and that I was still trying to control myself after the miscarriage. Then she said, "Well, It's been awhile, You should be getting over it." It felt like a slap in the face. Then I reminded her it had only been 2 weeks (at the time) and had to explain again how the hormones are still running rampant through my body. I was soooooo mad! She'd never had one so I tried to be patient, but I felt like saying, "DON'T TELL ME HOW TO FEEL! YOU HAVE NO IDEA. Besides that, I shouldn't have to explain myself you anyone." I've been thinking about you. Are you still feeling crazy like me? I want to stop crying over everything! I want to start being happy about everything. Every single morning I'm so cranky! I wonder if there is a term for the hormonally insane. Every time I freak out I wonder if you're having the same problem. I hope you're feeling better. My midwife didn't want to see me until next week... We'll see how that goes, I guess.
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