Nevermind

I actually thought we were safe. I mean we had already had our miscarriage between babies. Also, I made it 3 weeks longer this time than last. I have had no bleeding and felt pretty crummy, even though not sick for very many days. I felt awful on Monday. I just about threw up during sis's doctors appointment. Tuesday, I suddenly felt fine. I also felt fine Wednesday. I was a little nervous about that, but figured it was normal to go off and on sick at only 8 weeks pregnant.

Well, as most of you know, I had an ultra sound on Wednesday. I insisted on having one because of my previous miscarriage experiences. My first miscarriage, we didn't know until I was 11 weeks along, but the sack only measured 7. I am NEVER going to go through that again. Anyway, we figured we'd see at least one heart beat, and maybe even multiples as I had been on clomid. See, I have an awful time GETTING pregnant. We've been trying for this pregnancy for 18 long months. Yes, I said 18. When I finally took the clmoid, it worked the first month. We have been so excited.

The technician found the baby right away, but there was no flicker. She told us not to panic yet, and did some more poking around. It probably only took a minute but it felt like forever before she said how sorry she was and there was no heart beat. No heart beat...I felt like I'd been hit in the gut. Here we were, so sure there would be AT LEAST one, and now there was none. The baby measures right on, which means that, if the heart ever started beating, it had only recently stopped.

We are devastated. I do feel blessed that I've been through this before and know what to expect...although it stinks. My dr would like me to go on my own, but I don't want to. This baby is bigger than my first miscarriage, and I was in so much pain with that one. I don't know why they let woman miscarry at home. I needed an epidural. If I make it until Tuesday, I can have a D&C to remove it. They put you to sleep for that one. Very little pain and bleeding. Although that seems forever away, I hope that is the option I get to choose.

Pray for me. This is a dark and lonely place that I know all too well.

On the up side. I have had so many letters of encouragement and love. I've also had dear family and friends take care of me through gifts and food. I don't know what I would do without all you wonderful people in my life.