This morning I had my follow-up with my dr after surgery. It was supposed to be 2 weeks after surgery, but my dr is headed up to Alaska next week to be a dr at a clinic there. Cool, eh?
The pathology report came back. There was no fetal tissue. That means another blighted ovum. To my ears, that says I wasn't REALLY pregnant and that I shouldn't be so upset. It's not like my baby died, right?
I know no one is saying this to me. I just feel like not only has my pregnancy been stripped from me, now there wasn't even a baby. I might as well have not gotten pregnant in the first place.
Why did I get pregnant in the first place? Seriously? If it was just going to be taken away and a spirit didn't even get a body out of it? I've already had one of these!!! Statistically speaking, I shouldn't be here. Who has two blighted ovums? Who has such bad luck? Apparently, we do.
The first time I went through this, I actually considered myself lucky. I told myself, "at least a baby didn't die". I don't feel that way this time. I feel cheated.
Also, please don't tell me to just get over it or not think about it. People close to me have said this. It's too soon to get over it! In fact, I'll NEVER get over it. I still think of my other two miscarriages EVERY.DAY. It doesn't help! It HURTS! It tells me that you don't care about my baby. It tells me that you have gotten over it yourself and will never think of it again.
Lucky you.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Friday, February 26, 2010
Thoughts
First of all, I'll update everyone on my status. I did make it to Tuesday and was able to have the surgery. SSSSSOOOOOOOOO much better than going on my own. IF I have to do it again, that will be the way to go. The only down side I'm seeing right now is I have no idea when my body will get back to normal. I wouldn't know that the other way anyway, so I guess it's all good.
This miscarriage has really thrown me for a loop mentally. I'm still not too emotional about everything. I did just about break down today when talking with a friend, but made it through with a little effort. It's the questions that get to me.
Can I do this again? I am in control at this very moment as to whether I have another miscarriage ever again or not. I don't have to get pregnant again. I can be very happy with my two sweet babies that I have.
If I do get pregnant again, how am I going to trust any instincts at all? You see, I felt really good about this pregnancy. Of course I was kinda quiet about everything because you're supposed to be, but I felt like it would work out. On our way into the ultra sound, Chip assured me he also felt good and things would be ok. Well, we were both wrong. This is how a survived my pregnancy with Buddy. How in the world can I make it through another one without being a basket case?
I got pregnant with Sissa after 5 months of trying and Buddy 5 months after my first miscarriage. Am I ever going to be comfortable if I get pregnant again before or after 5 months of trying? It hasn't worked 3 times. It took us 11 months to get pregnant before my first miscarriage, 2 before the second, and 16 (not counting the 2 previously mentioned) before this one. AND what if I do get pregnant in 5 months and then miscarry?
Obviously, I have no answers. At this very moment, I'm leaning toward the being happy with the two I have. Life really would be easier with only two, right? Cheaper too? I really could be happy with two, if I knew that's where we should stop. Maybe Heavenly Father should just tell me that it's futile and be thankful for my blessings. I can do that. I just want to KNOW!
This miscarriage has really thrown me for a loop mentally. I'm still not too emotional about everything. I did just about break down today when talking with a friend, but made it through with a little effort. It's the questions that get to me.
Can I do this again? I am in control at this very moment as to whether I have another miscarriage ever again or not. I don't have to get pregnant again. I can be very happy with my two sweet babies that I have.
If I do get pregnant again, how am I going to trust any instincts at all? You see, I felt really good about this pregnancy. Of course I was kinda quiet about everything because you're supposed to be, but I felt like it would work out. On our way into the ultra sound, Chip assured me he also felt good and things would be ok. Well, we were both wrong. This is how a survived my pregnancy with Buddy. How in the world can I make it through another one without being a basket case?
I got pregnant with Sissa after 5 months of trying and Buddy 5 months after my first miscarriage. Am I ever going to be comfortable if I get pregnant again before or after 5 months of trying? It hasn't worked 3 times. It took us 11 months to get pregnant before my first miscarriage, 2 before the second, and 16 (not counting the 2 previously mentioned) before this one. AND what if I do get pregnant in 5 months and then miscarry?
Obviously, I have no answers. At this very moment, I'm leaning toward the being happy with the two I have. Life really would be easier with only two, right? Cheaper too? I really could be happy with two, if I knew that's where we should stop. Maybe Heavenly Father should just tell me that it's futile and be thankful for my blessings. I can do that. I just want to KNOW!
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Nevermind
I actually thought we were safe. I mean we had already had our miscarriage between babies. Also, I made it 3 weeks longer this time than last. I have had no bleeding and felt pretty crummy, even though not sick for very many days. I felt awful on Monday. I just about threw up during sis's doctors appointment. Tuesday, I suddenly felt fine. I also felt fine Wednesday. I was a little nervous about that, but figured it was normal to go off and on sick at only 8 weeks pregnant.
Well, as most of you know, I had an ultra sound on Wednesday. I insisted on having one because of my previous miscarriage experiences. My first miscarriage, we didn't know until I was 11 weeks along, but the sack only measured 7. I am NEVER going to go through that again. Anyway, we figured we'd see at least one heart beat, and maybe even multiples as I had been on clomid. See, I have an awful time GETTING pregnant. We've been trying for this pregnancy for 18 long months. Yes, I said 18. When I finally took the clmoid, it worked the first month. We have been so excited.
The technician found the baby right away, but there was no flicker. She told us not to panic yet, and did some more poking around. It probably only took a minute but it felt like forever before she said how sorry she was and there was no heart beat. No heart beat...I felt like I'd been hit in the gut. Here we were, so sure there would be AT LEAST one, and now there was none. The baby measures right on, which means that, if the heart ever started beating, it had only recently stopped.
We are devastated. I do feel blessed that I've been through this before and know what to expect...although it stinks. My dr would like me to go on my own, but I don't want to. This baby is bigger than my first miscarriage, and I was in so much pain with that one. I don't know why they let woman miscarry at home. I needed an epidural. If I make it until Tuesday, I can have a D&C to remove it. They put you to sleep for that one. Very little pain and bleeding. Although that seems forever away, I hope that is the option I get to choose.
Pray for me. This is a dark and lonely place that I know all too well.
On the up side. I have had so many letters of encouragement and love. I've also had dear family and friends take care of me through gifts and food. I don't know what I would do without all you wonderful people in my life.
Well, as most of you know, I had an ultra sound on Wednesday. I insisted on having one because of my previous miscarriage experiences. My first miscarriage, we didn't know until I was 11 weeks along, but the sack only measured 7. I am NEVER going to go through that again. Anyway, we figured we'd see at least one heart beat, and maybe even multiples as I had been on clomid. See, I have an awful time GETTING pregnant. We've been trying for this pregnancy for 18 long months. Yes, I said 18. When I finally took the clmoid, it worked the first month. We have been so excited.
The technician found the baby right away, but there was no flicker. She told us not to panic yet, and did some more poking around. It probably only took a minute but it felt like forever before she said how sorry she was and there was no heart beat. No heart beat...I felt like I'd been hit in the gut. Here we were, so sure there would be AT LEAST one, and now there was none. The baby measures right on, which means that, if the heart ever started beating, it had only recently stopped.
We are devastated. I do feel blessed that I've been through this before and know what to expect...although it stinks. My dr would like me to go on my own, but I don't want to. This baby is bigger than my first miscarriage, and I was in so much pain with that one. I don't know why they let woman miscarry at home. I needed an epidural. If I make it until Tuesday, I can have a D&C to remove it. They put you to sleep for that one. Very little pain and bleeding. Although that seems forever away, I hope that is the option I get to choose.
Pray for me. This is a dark and lonely place that I know all too well.
On the up side. I have had so many letters of encouragement and love. I've also had dear family and friends take care of me through gifts and food. I don't know what I would do without all you wonderful people in my life.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Is it Friday yet?
I have had the weirdest feeling tonight! I tried to explain to Chip like this:
"It's already Thursday, but it's not Friday yet?"
How can I feel like the week has flown and drug all at once? Well, I'm grateful that at least it's Thursday and not Tuesday! One more day to the weekend and a break from every day life...I think ;) Well, as a mommy, I don't get too much of a break, but at least Chip is home and the kids would much rather hang out with him than mommy. That is completely ok with me! I would rather hang out with him than me too!
My goals are still going strong. I'm exercising more than I was at the beginning of the year, so that is good. I've also kept up on reading my scriptures. YAY!!! Now, if I could remember to do my scriptures in the morning, I'll bet it would help my days go smoother. One thing at a time, I guess!
"It's already Thursday, but it's not Friday yet?"
How can I feel like the week has flown and drug all at once? Well, I'm grateful that at least it's Thursday and not Tuesday! One more day to the weekend and a break from every day life...I think ;) Well, as a mommy, I don't get too much of a break, but at least Chip is home and the kids would much rather hang out with him than mommy. That is completely ok with me! I would rather hang out with him than me too!
My goals are still going strong. I'm exercising more than I was at the beginning of the year, so that is good. I've also kept up on reading my scriptures. YAY!!! Now, if I could remember to do my scriptures in the morning, I'll bet it would help my days go smoother. One thing at a time, I guess!
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Going Strong!
I want to thank my dear friends that left comments for me already :) I HEART you all ;)
I've been doing well so far. Haven't eaten out at all this year. That makes nearly a whole week, you know! I've also been good about exercising again. Although, having the wii fit novelty is still helping there. I know I can keep it up though because Chip is committed to keep me committed. LOL!
I've also kept up on my scripture reading. I decided to start in 2nd Nephi while I'm motivated so I can get through the Isiah chapters. Then I'll move on to Alma because it's the longest. After that, finishing should be a breeze!!!
Please keep checking on me. It helps!!!
I've been doing well so far. Haven't eaten out at all this year. That makes nearly a whole week, you know! I've also been good about exercising again. Although, having the wii fit novelty is still helping there. I know I can keep it up though because Chip is committed to keep me committed. LOL!
I've also kept up on my scripture reading. I decided to start in 2nd Nephi while I'm motivated so I can get through the Isiah chapters. Then I'll move on to Alma because it's the longest. After that, finishing should be a breeze!!!
Please keep checking on me. It helps!!!
Monday, January 4, 2010
New year=changes!
Ok, so I've taken quite a break from my blog. Just so you all know, I did finish all five seasons of Lost and can't wait until February 2nd!!!
That aside, I think it's time for me to make some new year's resolutions. I really want people to ask me how I'm doing on these. I want to be responsible for reporting to someone, kwim? So, first, I'm going to be healthier. We've had many conversations with sis about how exercise and eating right is about making us healthy, not skinny. I've been a bit concerned that she even knows the word "skinny" let alone that she thinks about it. So, in order to be healthier, I'm going to eat at home. No more quick runs to McDonald's or Wendy's because I don't feel like making lunch for the kids. Not only will we eat healthier, but we'll save a lot of money! I will not limit myself to NEVER eating out, but only on dates with Chip or girls nights.
I've also come to the conclusion that having too many goals may as well be having NO goals for me. So, I am making two goals for at least the first part of the year. My second goal is to read/listen to scriptures every day. I don't know why this one is so hard for me. I love to read, and I know I feel the spirit when I read my scriptures. I need to buckle down and DO it!
So, here is the goal for all of my readers (if I still have any). I want you all to post a comment to my blog every week or two asking me how my goals are going. At least, I would like it if you would...pretty please :)
That aside, I think it's time for me to make some new year's resolutions. I really want people to ask me how I'm doing on these. I want to be responsible for reporting to someone, kwim? So, first, I'm going to be healthier. We've had many conversations with sis about how exercise and eating right is about making us healthy, not skinny. I've been a bit concerned that she even knows the word "skinny" let alone that she thinks about it. So, in order to be healthier, I'm going to eat at home. No more quick runs to McDonald's or Wendy's because I don't feel like making lunch for the kids. Not only will we eat healthier, but we'll save a lot of money! I will not limit myself to NEVER eating out, but only on dates with Chip or girls nights.
I've also come to the conclusion that having too many goals may as well be having NO goals for me. So, I am making two goals for at least the first part of the year. My second goal is to read/listen to scriptures every day. I don't know why this one is so hard for me. I love to read, and I know I feel the spirit when I read my scriptures. I need to buckle down and DO it!
So, here is the goal for all of my readers (if I still have any). I want you all to post a comment to my blog every week or two asking me how my goals are going. At least, I would like it if you would...pretty please :)
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